It all starts with a trigger out of nowhere. 
Sometimes, it’s a penetrative thought, a cautionary tale, or an irrelevant detail.
Just a few seconds, that’s all it takes.
For those thoughts to induce this strange feeling.

Describe it. Tell me. What is it? Why is the feeling sickening?
It’s these monsters in my head sprinting around, and jumping, 
Leading to a tight knot in my stomach, nausea, overheating, and my heart palpitating,
“We’ve come to seek shelter”, they whisper in my ear. 
“Lose control now! We can take it forward from here”.

They quickly get to work —  capture my mind, replacing my positive thoughts and reveries with junk.
“Aditi, what if all your worst-case scenarios come to life simultaneously?”
That humiliation of letting yourself and your people down? I feel it intensely.

Why is the thought of failure so painful? Why does it seem so real?
When I can’t see myself realizing my full potential?
When I can’t match my standards of perfectionism,
When he told me he would love me forever but left me in the name of pragmatism.
What if all that I have worked towards will disappear, will amount to nothing?
When all the promises I’ve sold evaporate into ashes on their own.
When I’ve lost all my loved ones to be left alone.

Man, these vast monsters are becoming hard to break.
I can’t take it anymore. Yes, they are that hardcore. 
As my thoughts start to race, I profusely begin to sweat and shake.
I feel horrible for feeling horrible, I feel incapable. 
No, it’s not logical, rational, or practical.

The scene is haunting. I am hyperventilating.
I resist, try to persist.
But, I am stuck in an infinite loop.
Monsters lead to more fear. Fear births more monsters. 
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. 

In that moment, the battle scars from my past rise,
And apprise me that all these nightmares won’t simultaneously come true,
But when you’re crippled into inaction, you can’t do much now, can you?
I played smart and attacked the monsters by suppressing all these fears.
Not a surprise that it doesn’t suffice and I am finally pushed to tears. 

It hits me that the monsters have embedded their base too deeply. 
I can only win this race with them by making space.
So, I get up from my chair and splash cold water on my face,
Close my eyes, focus all my attention on my palpitating heart, and feel my horror thoroughly. 
“Hi, how do you do?”, I befriend the monsters and see their size shrinking quickly. 

The panic passes through me in the next minute, 
I feel less stressed like a weight’s been lifted off my chest. 
Fear evaporates and paves the way for all the other emotions to take priority. 
I let all those emotions run through me intensely- ranging from embarrassment, humiliation, frustration, and disappointment.  
After all, all our emotions teach us something, they’re god sent.

For instance, my fear demonstrates that I passionately care. 
I get emotionally attached and get petrified to lose the things dear to me. 
My jealousy shows how I want something immensely. 
But I can’t just move on and allow these emotions to define my identity.

So, I have to force myself to be patient with all my ambitions.
Even though it does feel like time is running out, I do have all the time in the world,
And so much to be grateful for — everything and everyone I can’t live without.
With this experience, life is teaching me how to surrender, sit still and accept my pain. 
I didn’t have anything to gain by judging myself or feeling ashamed.

I am proud of who I am and I am doing my best is what I told myself,
Look at how far I have come. Come on, I can’t be this hard on myself,
She would not believe if you told baby Aditi she would be here.
I got to accept all parts of me, including those that are seemingly “ugly”. 
Be kind, be gentle with those, and take responsibility for my mental health.
Remind me that I have to be there for myself unconditionally.
With all my wounds and blemishes, it’s been a beautiful journey.

Eventually, the epiphany I’ve had through this episode is to have gratitude while being ambitious,
That’s how my dear friend you survive a panic attack so vicious,
That’s the guide to thriving on your worst days. 
“Emotionally intense people are weak!”, who says?